


don't say you love me

by aloofaquarius



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), avalance - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Break Up, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Healthy Relationships, Heartbreak, Lesbian Character, Post Break Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:48:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22124344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloofaquarius/pseuds/aloofaquarius
Summary: I'm redoing and possibly elaborating on some Avalance episodes especially if I don't like how it ended what it sounded like and all that jazz I hope you guys enjoy it !
Relationships: Sara Lance & Ava Sharpe, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 11
Kudos: 95





	1. season 3 Episode 11

The team has just returned from their 70's disco mission when they walk into the brig with lights fading in and out and a non responsive Gideon. 

"Gideon, what's happening?" Zari hails, and Sara hears 

"I was gonna ask the same question. I thought you were fixing the ship." Sara wonders, Zari immediately throws her body in front of the flashing red screen trying to distract Sara from looking 

"Uh, yeah, that--the maintenance check took longer than expected. The ship's a mess. I had to re-intialize Gideon's alpha drives. So how'd it go out there? Good mish?" Zari desperately leans closer onto the screen as Sara walks closer

Mick groans distracting everyone most importantly Sara "I pried this cassette from Shorty's fingers"

"He means Napolean Bonaparte." Nate corrects 

"Waterloo--Who writes a song about losing a war? HuH?" Mick throws the cassette on the ground and stomps on it 

"Anyway, it was really great. Even though half our band missed the cue for our big encore." Ray interrupts and the direct the attention to him then to Nate and Amaya

"Yeah, where were you guys?" Sara turns away from Zari and glares at Nate and Amaya. The two turn to each other to try and find a valid excuse for their actions but only uhms come out.

"It was my fault--" Amayas speaks up "I was just not used to walking in these go-go boots" she adds but Sara doesn't buy it

"It won't happen again, captain" Nate nods his head and the two excuse themselves 

"Right. Gideon, let's check the historical records, see if everything is back to normal" Sara hails 

_"According to the historical record, the battle of Waterloo is back on track Napoleon did surrender and the French forces withdrew.."_ Gideon spazzes which leads Sara to turn to Zari then back at the usual 3D portrayal of Gideon

"Gideon? Where did she go?" Sara asks, Zari ducks her head and avoids eye contact with the captain. 

"The ship's functions are still operational, but it looks as though Gideon's neural core has been fried-" Ray explains, Sara rolls her eyes knowing that there is only one person on this ship that can cause something like this 

"I asked you to perform a routine maintenance check-"

"I did run a maintenance check" Zari sasses 

"And maybe something else?" Ray adds "Something you want to tell us about? Maybe show us?" Sara budges, Zari clears her throat and stops Sara from peaking at the screen she's been protecting for 10 minutes 

"Oh, do not make me move you." Sara threatens which made Ray nervous "Uh, you should just tell her what it is. Last thing we want to do is get Sara mad" Ray tries to defuse the tension, but merely offended Sara a bit. What does that mean? She's aware the fear that the team have of her because lets be honest they should fear her. There are things that she is capable of that no one has witnessed yet. 

"Why is that?" Zari voices, Ray first stutters "Because...high blood pressure. It takes years off your life."

"Okay, fine. You win--" Zari's defeated " I uploaded a synchronous, multi-model simulation program to Gideon's neural core." Zari finishes 

"A simulation program for what?' Sara wonders a little annoyed at her new engineer 

"To see if there are any other loopholes in history that we could exploit" Zari tries as much as possible to sound as positive and well thought 

"We? You mean YOU can exploit" Sara emphasizes 

"You're trying to hack history? What exactly are you trying to change in 2042?" Ray tries to make a joke out of it but Sara is not finding the bright side 

"Oh, I don't know, Ray. Maybe I'm trying to figure out how to stop my home from becoming a dystopian nightmare?" Zari sasses, and frankly this is the last thing Sara wants to deal with. Sara feels for Zari she really does because it takes everything in her body to not go back to Laurel. But there are just some things that are meant to be in this world, if Sara could she'd trade places with Laurel.

"Look, Zari, I let the Helen of Troy thing pass. I even let it slide when you tried to prevent Martin's death, but you need to understand we are in the "fixing anachronisms" business, not the "hacking history" business. Now please go fix Gideon." Sara approaches as lightly as possible not trying to sound ignorant let alone insensitive 

"Hey, maybe if you would stop bossing me around for a second, you would see this is a good idea." Zari sasses, and Sara desperately tries to cling onto her patience. 

"I said _please--_ " Ray starts to get a little nervous, "And even if I didn't, bossing you around is part of my job as captain." Sara inches herself closer to Zari trying to assert dominance 

"Yeah, and its really easy to take you seriously in that outfit"

"You know this whole apathetic cool girl thing, its not as cute as you think. If you want to be a member of this team--"

"Member-ish" Zari sasses again cutting Sara off "This was always a temporary arrangement. I was never planning on sticking around for long"

"Then so long as you are on this ship, I am your captain, and if you don't like it, you can stop sticking around." Zari fake gasps before responding 

"Aye, aye." She salutes Sara and walks off, but that was the tipping point "I'm gonna kill her." Sara grits through her teeth. 

"Wait!--Sara--no!" Ray shouts trying to go after Sara before tripping on his platform 

"Just fix the ship." Sara turns from Ray back to Zari. She watches as Zari walks away from brig, she then bends down to help Ray back up. 

"Are you alright" Sara wonders knowing that her full attention in this conversation 

"Yeah, thank you--and listen just give her some time Sara I'm sure Z will--"

"Not now Ray. Get out of those boots before you break your ankles." Sara sighs walking out of the brig to her bedroom.

She really does feel for Zari. The amount of self-control it took for her to not kill Rip. After he took her out of her own life knowing the consequences of her absences. It killed Sara, and for the first time since her resurrection that she was able to turn off her humanity and simply want to kill Rip. Possibly one of the most unforgivable acts that has happened yet, she cant do anything about it. He acted as if choosing for her is the best choice. It tears Sara up every single day thinking about the fact that she can't do anything because she took this job to redeem herself to understand that there is a bigger picture. 

Sara knows that this lesson isn't easy to learn but it sucks to have rush someone who is in so much pain, to simply swallow this pill. 

Sara changes out of her 70's get up to her classic long sleeves, jeans and Chelsea boots. Lately the ship and the people on it seem to have their own agenda which Sara understands but she doesn't really have much of a buddy. A year ago they had a different dynamic everyone was somehow closer with one another but lately they're too caught up on fixing their mess and everyones upcoming mess. But a new thing thats come out of this distance in the team is her friendship with Ava. 

_"_ Captain--Z had an accident in the engine room!" Ray comes running to Saras room rapidly knocking. Sara opens her door, midway pulling her shirt down.

"What happened?" She wonders as the two make their way to the medbay.

"Mick heard a thump in the engine room, saw Zari covered in his words blueish goo but its Bosonic hyper-fluid. He carried her to the medbay then I immediately came to get you." Ray explains. The two make it to the medbay and find Zari unconscious.

"The ships medical functions are up and running which is why she's doing alright, but she'll be knocked out for a bit. I'll work on getting Gideon back online." Ray smiles before walking out of the medbay. Sara looks at her vitals ad her body for any physical damage and see's none. She releases a sigh, leaves the med bay, grabs 70's crossword puzzle and makes herself a cup of tea. She had scheduled another call with Ava and she knows she'll receive that call in a couple of minutes.

Without having anyone around she's been talking to Ava. Nothing too deep, personal or crazy mostly surface level, which Sara didn't mind. After a long day, all they tend to want to do is talk about how it went maybe dish out some gossip or ask one another for some advice. 

Its become routine for the two girls to schedule a time just for a small chat. Often times Ava doesn't have much time but she's gotten use to telling Gary she's got a meeting. There are perks of being assistant director of the time bureau. As thankful as Sara is to have her own office it's not exactly very private. It's legitimately in the front of the ship with large windows and almost always she'll find somebody in there.

Which leads her to the next best thing; the jump ship. She starts to drink her tea and mindlessly read the clues to her rather vintage crossword puzzle. 

**BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP**

_Right on time._ Sara thought to herself as she see's the Time Bureau logo pop up on the screen. A smirk appears on her face as she reaches to answer the call. 

"Hey" Sara smiles seeing Ava's familiar face 

"Hey, what are you up to?" Ava greets back, and Sara can't help but feel her smile getting the best of her 

"Oh, you know, crossword puzzles." Sara causally answers, Ava's notice a few quips that Sara simply cant hide and one of them is Sara's having an occupied mind 

"You look tired" Ava simply puts knowing that getting too deep with Sara tends to scare the shorter girl. Ava's read Sara's file and emotions and handling them aren't her strong suit, which means bombarding her with anything too deep pushes her away. 

Sara crinkles her nose and responds "Thanks, jerk."

"No, no, I didn't--I mean you always look good, I just--did you have a long day or--" Ava stutters not knowing what to say or how to say anything 

"You have no idea-" Sara sighs "Theres this person on my team and she is reckless! She doesn't take orders and its like I want to tell her how important she is to this team. Because she is but sometimes, I tell you she does not make it easy. And because of an argument we had she got careless and landed herself in the med bay because she swallowed some time goo. " Sara vents getting back into their rhythm 

"What'd she do?" Ava wonders 

"Well, she hijacked Gideon, crashed our entire system testing out some simulation software that finds loopholes in history--" Sara sighs 

"That is definitely against regulations, " Ava chuckles, and Sara grins once again. Lately Ava has been rather 'lax about Time Bureau regulations and having kept up with them. Sara noticed the change after the whole Beebo fiasco. She found it sweet, she broke a lot of regulations that day and Ava's defense is simply the fact that it was worth it. 

"Not that I haven't been tempted to change the past."Ava adds 

"It's just--I don't want even want to start looking for loopholes, because then I'm gonna start looking for ways to save my sister, and then I'm gonna drive myself crazy." Sara confesses, Ava is only aware of Sara's past with information from Rip

"Yes you will, so don't." Ava comforts

"I'm just tired of always being the bad cop, you know?" Sara adds and Ava chuckles knowing that this job doesn't make it easy for either of them to be a friend when most of the time they have to be the boss

"Believe me, I understand. I've lost count of how many times I've had to yell at cadets for screwing up or bust them for breaking protocol--" Ava adds, but with how Sara has seen her she can't actually believe that any of that is true 

"Yeah, I don't know, I feel like you might just like that. You seem to get a kick out of ordering people around--" Sara smirks, and Ava blushes "Maybe, just a little" Ava scrunches her nose and puts her fingers up 

"Where are you calling from? I don't recognize that part of the Waverider" Ava wonders not familiar with the room she finds Sara in. Most of their calls are taken in Sara's room, the library and of course the professional check in by the brig. 

"Welcome to the jumpship." Ava tilts her head down in curiosity at the younger girls answer "Are you hiding, Ms. Lance?"

"No. I am simply looking for some privacy--" Sara defends and Ava smirks "Well, maybe I should come over." Sara is taken aback with that quick and rather forward invitation. It's not that Sara doesn't like her but with her past she can't be blamed for so much hesitation. For Sara she's gotten use to the mindset of I might not make it tomorrow, so I have to just focus on the now. Relationships are focused on the now and more importantly in the future, and Sara doesn't want to tempt the universe like that. 

"Yeah, yeah, but like, I mean, I'm sure that you are super, super busy" Sara stutters trying to act as normal as possible 

"It's the perks of being boss. I can just tell Gary I have a meeting-" Still not registering fully to Ava she's quick to answer 

"Yeah, boss, speaking of, I should probably go check on Zari and the rest of the team, make sure nobody's gonna blow up the ship-" Sara excuses knowing how much she has herself right now because her conversations with Ava last longer than this. Ava gets a bit awkward which is a natural response and starts shifting through her seat, and rubbing her neck. 

"Okay, um...well, yeah if you, uh-- if you change your mind, or...whatever"

Sara sighs, and now she really wants to kick herself.

"I'll talk to you later, Director Sharpe" Sara tries to return to their casual playful vibe and Ava agrees. "I'll see you around, Captain Lance." the call ends and Sara slams her newspaper on top of the console. 

"Unbelievable-" Sara buries her head into her hands in embarrassment. Why is it different with her? Usually Sara has no problem closing if anything there is no problem in opening and closing at all. Yet as soon as she see's Ava she becomes a stupid ass teenager that gets stupid around their crush.

 _"Captain systems are once again operational. Mr. Palmer is asking for you in the medbay, Ms. Tomaz has officially come to."_ Gideon speaks through the speaker

"Welcome back, Gideon and tell Ray I'll be there in a couple of minutes." Sara gets up from her seat, and takes her tea with her. She didn't really drink much of it so as she is walking towards the medbay she decide to drop it off in the kitchen. Walking into the medbay she see's a invasive Ray hovering over Zari, and she simply walks up next time. 

She starts to see Zari slowly open her eyes "Hey, rise and shine. How are you feeling?" Sara greets

"Oh, like my head is made of cement." Zari groans, Ray pull the sedative being provided for her and explains what happened

"You were exposed to the ship's Bosonic hyper-fluid in the engine room and it knocked you out."

"Oh, man, I have such a Gideon hangover." Zari sits up properly trying to normalize her motor control skills 

"What do you mean?"

"While I was out, Gideon transported my consciousness into a matrix." The two exchange looks not believing their team member

"Okay," Ray responds 

"I think you dreamt that." Sara sheepishly smiles, "No, it wasnt a dream, it was real. Right, Gideon?" Zari turns her head up 

_"Unfortunately, I don't know what you're talking about, Ms.Tomaz"_

"Oh, that is cold Gideon. After all that, we're still not friends?" Zari answers 

"Zari, are you sure, you're okay?" Sara asks again 

"Gideon trapped me in my own simulator, so I was stuck on the Waverider reliving the same hour over and over again. Needles to say, I got to know you all really, really well." Zari explains but Ray and Sara still don't buy it 

"Right." Saw sympathizes, "Could be caused by the sedative dosage. I could look into it later." Ray whispers as if Zari isn't right there 

"Yeah," Sara agrees

"I'm telling the truth. You know what, I'll prove it. Sara, ask Ray what Constantine told him about you?" Zari leans back and Ray panics a bit 

"Okay--Ray, what did Constantine tell you about me?" Sara turns to a rather nervous Ray 

"How did you know that?" Sara watches as the two exchange looks, Ray collects his thoughts before answering "Okay, he warned me that if you were possessed by Mallus again and lost control, that I--I should kill you. Oh, such a relief to get that off my chest " Zari nods feeling proud 

"Well, he's right. You should kill me if Mallus takes over again, and you are going to need a lot of help." Sara doesn't even want to think about going back there. It pains her to think that she could become this brainwashed killer again, playing God. She'd rather be dead than be this inhumane monster

"Well, lets just hope it doesn't come down to that." Ray defends, its quiet for a second 

"Hey, you wanna get a coffee?" Sara looks at Zari, " Yeah" The two make their way into the kitchen as Ray goes back to his lab to work on whatever he is working on.

The two girls sit next to one another sipping on their coffee. "Aren't you wondering what I learned about you?" Zari speaks up

"Do I want to know?" Sara's notice this on going theme in her life that people always seem to know things about her before she knows it for herself, which might also be the cause of her inability to think about the future. 

"You're afraid of historical loopholes because you'd be tempted to save your sister-" Sara's a little shock because its as if Zari overheard her and Ava's private conversation "Well, not a day goes by that I don't think about her." 

"I'm sorry I fried Gideon, but I had to know if there was a way to save my brother. " Zari explains, 

"And what did the simulation say?" Sara wonders 

"It said I cant do it alone."

"Sounds like you're gonna need a team."

"You mean it?"

"I've been thinking about it, saving your brother, and technically it isn't a loophole. It would be changing your past, but your past is my future, and as far as I'm concerned, well, the future's an open road. And besides, I'll probably need your help fighting Mallus. " Sara explains earning a chuckle 

"Hey, listen, it's none of my business, but...you should ask Ava out. " Zari smirks 

"Mm, my relationships have a way of ending badly-" Sara argues 

"You know, it turns out at the end of the day, love is worth the risk. None of us can do this alone. Captain." Zari holds her cup up waiting for a cheers, Sara shakes her head but deep down she agrees and thats exactly what she's going to do. Zari leaves her to it, Sara pulls her phone out and pulls up Ava's name (TIME STIFF) up and sends her a message;

**Sara: Dinner & Drinks tomorrow night?**


	2. Season 3 Episode 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to see the messages themselves here is the link ;)

Much to Sara’s surprised but nobody else's Ava agreed to go to dinner. The two haven’t been able to stop texting since then.

[(CLICK ME)](https://addicting-abnormality.tumblr.com/)

——

Their conversation from last night till now:

**TIME STIFF: Well this is a surprised?**

**SARA: Was I reading us wrong?**

**SARA: Because last time I checked you invited yourself over while we were talking ;)**

**TIME STIFF: You looked like you needed a friend in my defense, anyways how should I dress?**

**SARA: If it were up to me, we wouldn’t be getting dress at all but I want to do this right—so elegant, and it’s going to be at one of the best restaurants in Star City**

**TIME STIFF: Vague but elegant it is.Are you sure I’ll be able to pull you out of that time ship of yours Ms. Lance**

**SARA: The real question is, am I really going to be able to pull you away from Gary Director Sharpe**

**TIME STIFF:Are you threatened by Gary?**

**SARA: I’m actually offended.**

**TIME STIFF: Why?**

**SARA: Because you actually think that Gary could possibly get through this hot tough exterior**

**TIME STIFF: Who am I to assume? Up until this moment I thought we were just friends.**

**SARA: Really, is that why you broke regulations, came back for me, pulled me out of the Mallus sphere, and literally smirked at me as you left the medbay and uttered the words “It was worth it”. That gave you friend vibes?**

**TIME STIFF: Sara you’ve got to know you are one of the hardest people to read**

**SARA: Thank you!**

**TIME STIFF: Not a compliment**

**SARA: Either way, I am not easily threatened which means I will never ever be threatened by Gary**

**TIME STIFF: Good to know**

**SARA: You on the other hand…**

**TIME STIFF: I on the other hand?**

**SARA: Have got a lot of competition.**

**TIME STIFF: Is that so?**

_Next day:_

**SARA: Sorry, I fell asleep and been a bit busy with the team. But yes a lot of competition**

**TIME STIFF: Hi, Miss Lance and who could possibly be my competition**

**SARA: The less you know the better**

**TIME STIFF: Is that so?**

**SARA: Yes, so does Gary know about this date?**

**TIME STIFF: So its officially a date good to know. I thought about what you said last night and its best that he doesn’t. He has a problem with personal space physically and socially.**

**SARA: Keeping secrets from your boyfriend, that is a major red flag**

**TIME STIFF: You don’t make it easy do you?**

**SARA: Easy is boring.**

Sara stuffs her phone in her back pocket as she walks to her office where Mick, Ray and Amaya are discussing about the totems.

“Oh thats hot.” Sara hears Mick says raising her interest

“What’s hot?” She wonders walking up to her office

“Uh..the fire totem. Hot, hot very hot and currently in Detroit. So what do you say we motor off to Motor City?” Ray and Amaya try to act as casual as possible trying to seem as if they don’t know anything at all. Knowing that Sara is rather private and she becomes her assassin self when it comes to the people she is dating.

“Right now? Uh…I might sit this one out, because I have to do…business back home.” Sara terribly lies

“I bet you do.” Mick says under his breath. Sara is hoping that Ava is having an easier time lying to Gary than she is to her own teammate

“Oh okay yeah sure—“ Ray smiles as well as Amaya

“Right well, good luck don’t do anything stupid, and don’t die.” Sara smiles excusing herself from her crew and rushes off to her room to change and head to the restaurant.

_—— Ava_

“Director Sharpe?” Gary wonders as Ava tries to sneak away wearing a trench coat over her dress

“What is it Gary?” Ava turns around

“I was just wondering if you had sign off on those final documents about the details from the Legends last mission?” He explains walking closer to Ava and sniffing her

“Wow you smell—“

“Don’t. Finish that. And yes I signed them off, can you please send them to headquarters. And go home Gary, it is a Friday night.” Ava groans, Gary nods and heads to her office she took this opportunity to use the portal and head to Star City for her date.

Sara is sat at the bar playing around with her martini waiting for both Ava and their table. She hasn’t been on a casual date in a long long long long time. If anything it’s been since college that she had a real proper date, most of the time they are one night stands and often just sex. She feels like an idiot teenager all over again she is nervous for reasons unknown.

She hears the faint approach of heels and she turns around to see Ava. In this navy blue dress and her hair parted to the side but both equally falling on her shoulder with an inviting smile. Sara forgot how to speak for a second.

“Hi,” Ava giggles at the sight of perfection that is Sara Lance, there was always something about the color red that complimented Sara and her body

“Wow” Sara utters she gets up to greet an also nervous Ava, she has her legs crossed indicating she is a tad uncomfortable in this dress.

“You look…” Sara starts “Weird. I look weird, right?” Ava assumes

“I was gonna say beautiful, but—“

“Thank you, so do you. It’s wow” Ava compliments. The two turn to their heighten table trying to be chivalrous only to find that they are both holding the chair for one another. “Do you wanna…” They exchange a chuckle before sitting themselves down

“Madam?” The waiter wonders

“Oh you know what, I’ll just have whatever she’s having, please.” She turns to him

“Vodka Martini, extra dirty, stirred.” Sara is quick to answer and Ava is shocked “Stirred, not shaken?”

“Shakens for lightweights who like their booze watered down.” Sara explains

“And James Bond.” Ava adds

“James Bond never had to fight off a horde of Vikings or help me a escape a demon realm-“ Sara smiles grabbing her drink hoping to calm herself some more

“True” Ava chuckles

“Uhm…how was work?” Sara tries to make conversation and also pull some attention away from her. Ava hasn’t stopped staring at her since she’s got here. Which she doesn’t mind there is something about Ava that makes Sara super nervous and having her undivided attention wrecks her.

“Work is…ugh this is awful” Ava points out helping Sara relax a bit “You know what, I have an idea. Let’s just try to be normal for one night. No legends, no bureau. What do you think?” For Ava she merely wants to know who Sara is outside of all that is Legends, fighting and ass kicking. As for Sara her once calm nerves rose up again, Sara hasn’t been "normal" in a span of 7 years.

The waiter comes up to drop off her drink; “There you are,”

“Thank you. I feel like relationships are complicated enough without time-travel and supervillains, don’t you?” Ava explains

“Okay, then here’s to being two regular women on a completely normal first date” Sara holds her drink up

“Completely normal.” The girls cheers and sip on their drink

“Miss Lance your table is ready.” The server smiles showing the two, they follow the server to their table

“Wow this is rather elite, how did you even manage to get a table here?” Ava looks around at this five star looking restaurant. This is the fanciest place she’s her been taken too.

“It pays to be the mayors ex—“ Sara jokes and Ava raises her eyebrows

“Oliver Queen is your ex?”

“That’s the one thing I wished that was actually easy but he was never mine in the first place—but I don’t want to do that kind of talk let’s talk about college.” Sara smiles knowing that talking about ex’s is just not the best thing to talk about on the first date

“I don’t remember much of it but—“ Sara nods her head in agreement

“Then you did it right” Sara adds,

“Heh, what surprise most people is the fact that I was pre-med and simply had minored in history. And yet I have such bureaucratic job-“ Ava chuckles

“You were pre-med---kinda of make sense you are a bit anal.” Sara winks and Ava pretends to be offended

“Ah—Okay what did you major in?”

“I’m deeply shamed but art history” Sara chuckles and Ava nods “How come?”

“School was never my thing, it never fit me. I love to learn but I gravitated towards the arts—Expression through music and movement you know—I sound like such a hippie.” Sara chuckles, the waiter comes to them to get their order and then soon left

“I hate to say this but I can't see you being like that at all." Ava sips on her red wine

"Trust me I cant either but from what I can remember I was always the one that didn't do practical or traditional things-" Sara shrugs thinking about how opposite she was to her big sister

"Well you had siblings right?" Ava wonders

"It was just Laurel and I. I was always the rebel, and she was always the good one" Sara explains but Ava is a tad guilty knowing this information already "Why do you look like you already know this?" Sara adds

"Hm?" 

"What'd, you google me?" Sara teases, "No. I may have read your file...back when you were a fugitive from the bureau. And, look, I know that sounds stalkery, but in my defense, I did not see this coming. " 

"Well, what do you wanna know?" The two have definitely lax since they've been talking and are 2 drinks in which Sara loves because she doesn't feel so much like a teenager now

"Okay. You always seem so composed and cool, but you cant be all cool all the time. What's the most embarrassed you've ever been?" 

"That's an easy one: first time I ever had a weapon in my hand." Sara recollects, "Lian Yu?' Ava assumes 

"Nope...Starling City Elementary. I was Peter Pan in the school play. I got up on stage in the first scene, and I just totally froze I couldn't remember any of my lines it was like my mind just went blank." Sara explains feeling a little embarrassed but its quick to disappear 

"What'd you do?" Ava asks but Sara's attention is being distracted by her buzzing phone. She turns around mistakenly but decides to ignore it, Ava is a tad disappointed knowing that one of them was bound to be pulled away.

"Well I broke out into a tap dane, of course, and then I ran off stage crying." Sara tries to ignore her phone but it continues 

"You can dance?" Ava tries desperately to keep Sara's attention but ultimately gives in "Go ahead. You can check it" 

"I--I'm sure its nothing, but just...It's a voicemail I'm just gonna listen." Sara sheepishly smiles and Ava mouths the words "It's okay." 

_"It wasn't my idea, but the team has taken the Waverider on a joyride to the Bahamas 1717 in a futile attempt to locate the missing Earth Totem. Just thought you should know. "_ Sara shakes her head a little disappointed to hear that the team just completely went haywire and decided to go to the Bahamas instead of Detroit. She puts her phone back in her pocket.

"Is everything okay?" Ava innocently asks,

"Yeah, totally fine. Normal in fact. " She responds taking a sip of her drink.

"So you dance? More importantly you were in theatre--more importantly how long did that last?" Ava wonders trying to get some more of personal information she didn't read on a file 

"Ah--no more until you tell something as equally as embarrassing." Sara takes her utensils out of her napkin getting ready to eat her pasta 

"I don't remember much of my childhood but, I do remember my first kiss with a boy--" Ava offers catching Sara's attention to the point where she chokes no her own food.

"My parents and I went on vacation in the Bahamas, then my parents dropped me off of with my grandparents--He was in love with me--"

"Can't blame him-" Sara says under her breath making Ava blush "--Right, I was 13 and our grandparents decided to have dinner--that was pretty lame and we decided to go for a swim. He went in for a kiss, anti-climactic by the way he tried to get a little bit more so I kicked him in the groin." Ava explains simply shrugging 

"Damn, lesson learned--But alright I guess thats embarrassing" Sara rolls her eyes 

"All I'm going to say is this, if you would've met high school Sara or semi-college Sara they might actually been more of your type--" Sara explains as she eats and spins her pasta around. Ava shakes her head, "How do you mean--" 

"I was ditsy, naïve, extremely gullible, impulsive and impressionable." Sara shrugs but Ava disagrees "So a teenager you think my type are teenagers?" Ava jokes making Sara choke again 

"No--I just I don't know like you said I am not a very easy person to read. And back then I was like an open book.” Sara explains. Ava is never one to turn down a challenge and for Ava love shouldn’t be easy. She likes that about Sara, this whole intrigue she’s got going on is what drew her. 

“Sara just like you said, easy is boring. Besides I always love a good challenge.” Ava winks stirring her food around 

"Is that so?" Sara wonders smirking a bit and arching her eyebrows in curiosity 

"Yeah, d'you remember when everybody in high school started having boy girl parties--"Ava pauses and Sara nods knowing how much of a big deal those were

"Right so for mine, I asked my parents if we could go paint balling. And we did, it was amazing the first half was kind of uneventful. But then it was 5 of us left, my heart is pounding, my palms are sweating, and I know that I only have few rounds left in my pocket"

"So what'd you do?" Sara chuckles, " Well I grabbed a guy and used him as a human shield, and from that point, no one would ever play paintball with me ever again."Ava shrugs feeling no remorse 

"Well, it sounds like a hell of a 15th birthday." Sara smiles, for along time in a while Sara feels like this might actually work out between the two of them. The conversations become natural there's no first date awkwardness anymore.

"Mhmm" Ava sheepishly agrees and smiles, her eyes roam around the room and she see's a panicked Gary waving her over making her choke. "You okay?" 

"Gonna run to the restroom really quickly-" Ava continues to cough as she excuses herself from the table. Sara on the other hand isn't dumb, and saw Gary rushing as Ava was running after him. She sighs in disappointment it'd been a good 3 hours without interruption but now this.

Speaking of interruption she see's the familiar build of the Waverider crashing through Star City. Sara gets up for a better view and she's right, it is her ship "We're gonna need the check--" Sara speaks as she walks back to the table gathering her things

"Please tell me that Waverider did not just crash into Star City" She speaks through her coms waiting for the teams response, Zari is the first to speak through the coms "Star City? Is that where we are?"

"Oh, you gotta be kidding me" Sara sasses grabbing some cash out of her purse

"Well, the good news is the cannonball didn't hit the time-core" Ray smiles which soon disappears as the Waverider sparks up "And Nate made a beautiful landing" he adds

"Yeah, thanks big guy. So Sara ,how's the date going?" Nate tries to spark new conversation but Sara isn't having it, she sighs as she responds ''It's over."

As for Ava she isn't having any luck either, "Here--come here." She grabs Gary's collar trying not to hurt her poor assistant any further. 

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Please don't be mad." Gary starts by putting his hands up in defense "You weren't answering your phone-" he adds

"This better be a life or death emergency, Gary." Ava threatens, Gary groans "Worse--A speedster stole my time courier and then pantsed me--"

"And then--" Ava crinkles her nose in confusion "Did you check if HQ is secure?" 

"Snug as a bug--" Ava sighs in relief "--Except one item, uh was reported missing from storage: a long brown coat that used to belong to, uhh-" Gary hesitates to say not wanting to see Ava's reaction

"Rip Hunter." She finishes his sentence, "Yeah"

"Okay--" Ava sighs trying to think about her next moves more importantly what to say to Sara

"You look great--" Gary chuckles starting to move closer to Ava "--by the way"

"Shut up, Gary." 

"Oh--yeah"

"Remember when we talked about personal space?" Ava puts her finger up trying to create space between her and Gary "Yeah okay."

"Come on" she orders him to follow her back to the dining room trying to concoct a good excuse for her to skip out on the date. But as she approaches the table she doesn't see the familiar muscular yet small build that is Sara Lance. Instead she is greeted with money on the table and their desert being presented to her. 

"Ouch" Gary first says and as he turns to the waiter "Double ouch--You want--you--you want me to box it up for you?" He adds 

"No Gary. Okay, we need to find Rip. He's got a time courier, which means he could be anywhere any time, causing a whole mess of problem" Ava sighs placing her things in her purse and following Gary back onto the time bureau to figure out how to handle the situation.

Back on the ship, "When I left you were headed to Detroit." Sara states, feeling like a mother this is the last thing she wants to feel but sometimes she know it has to be done. 

"Yeah, it's a--it's--it's a really, it's a really long story." Ray stutters trying to provide Sara an answer but big brother Nate comes to the rescue 

"Mick and Amaya are marooned in 1717, the Darhks have the Fire totem, and Blackbeard has the Earth Totem."

"I just thought it was gonna be a longer story." Ray pouts 

"Thank God, you're back. You look great. The engine room's a disaster. We're not going anywhere." Zari posts up on the middle console while wires keep popping out of the Waverider 

"I don't know who looks more ridiculous, you guys in your pirate britches or me in this...stupid dress." Sara sighs in disappointment. 

Zari looks at the two idiots then back at Sara and comment, "Definitely them."

"Hey, I know it looks like a mess, but we really wanted you to have a nice night out. " Nate protests as Sara paces, "Yeah, if you really like that mean Time Bureau lady, you shouldn't give up on her." Ray adds 

Sara stops pacing, "Look, I'm not giving up on anything, other than maybe the idea that I'll ever have a normal life. Zari, get the ship back in fighting shape, 'cause until then...Rory and Amaya are on their own." The team looks disappointed as Sara barks orders before going to her room to change and to honestly forget or think of a valid apology to give to Ava if she decides to talk to her again. 

For a minute there she thought her life is actually moving forward instead of feeling trapped and constantly on pause. For the first 2 years of doing this it was great, like time isn't passing her by or that she isn't missing on much. Then Laurel died, and things just change the lie she's been telling herself no longer comforted her. She feels trap because she can't do anything she's stuck in a place where time exists but also doesn't. She thought having something "normal" with Ava would move her life along but she spoke too soon. 

She hasn't felt like this since Nyssa, but this is also different. At the thought of Ava it makes her nervous and throw up but now if she has the chance to see Ava she wouldn't even know what to say. 

"Sara!" Nate summons, she walks out of her room fixing her shirt and walking into her office "Yeah, what now?" 

"We have another anachronism in 1717. The HMS Fortitude got into a naval battle with Blackbeard's ship off the coast of Grace Island." Sara leans in wanting for Nate to get to the point. "So?" 

"So...that is a portrait of their admiral " Ray points at the screen which then pulls up the familiar picture of Damien Darhk. 

Sara groans "Damien Darhk. I don't care if Zari has to duct-tape the Waverider back together, we have to get it in the air."

 _"Well, I wouldn't advise returning to the Bermuda Triangle."_ Gideon chips in. "It's the Devil's Triangle and Mick and Amaya are in danger." Nate gets ready to deal out a whole spiel but is interrupted but Ava stepping out of the portal from the Time Bureau. Sara turns around and her stomach drops but she doesn't have the time to think up of an explanation or what to say. "Ava! Hey!" she fakes a smile but Ava isn't impressed 

"Don't _hi, Ava_ me. You stood me up, jerk." Sara sighs and the two boys find themselves caught in a awkward situation. "Awkward" Ray mumbles and pulls Nate away from the office to hide behind the console to eavesdrop. 

"I gotta hand it to you, Ms. Lance, you take the phrase _dine and dash_ to a whole new level. " Ava sasses stepping onto Sara's office 

"Look, the Waverider fell out of the sky. My team needed help." Sara explains but Ava frankly doesn't believe her because if it really was that bad of a date she could've just said so she laughs at the futile attempt "Why does that not surprise me?" she shakes her head. Sara is gutted because honestly she can't be who Ava needs and from the looks of where this conversation is going she doesn't think she could never be what Ava needs. 

"You know, this was never gonna work out." Sara starts, 

"Really? What because I'm a mature person who actually can communicate?" Ava brushes her shoulder up against Sara walking by her. Sara can't believe what she is hearing right now, she isn't stupid she knows what happened. She got Gary to pull her out to give her an excuse to leave the date. 

"Oh, really? Such a communicator! Like when you said you were going to the bathroom?" 

_SHIT._ Ava thought to herself. 

"What are you talking about?" is all she's able to come up with

"You think I didn't see Gary?" 

"Oh, my--Rip broke into the Time Bureau. I was coming back to the table to tell you." Sara rolls her eyes and reaches for head but then puts them back up in defeat. 

"You know, this is pointless." 

"Yeah, it is. "

"We should have never tried to be normal. I'm not normal, alright? I'm never gonna be normal, and I'm not gonna be normal for anyone!" Sara rambles but Ava shouts and cuts her off "I don't want you to be normal!" It's true, Ava doesn't want normal, normal is so fucking boring and everything that she feels for Sara is exciting and far from normal. Sara is speechless, "You don't?" she mumbles. 

"Hell no." the two move closer to one another until finally they close the gap. Their hands mimic one another action one falls on each others back while the other on the neck. This kiss is desperate but in Ava case she's been wanting to kiss Sara since that time in the medbay when she said that Sara is worth the risk. As for Sara it was a little earlier, specifically when Ava tried to bring her back to the Time Bureau for being a fugitive and kidnapping Gary. 

Sara starts to push Ava against her desk getting ready to take this further, and she knows in the back of her mind that this is not the time but goddamn it. She is hooked, but Ava pulls away when she see's pirates boarding the ship. 

"What?" Sara disappointingly questions, Ava is quick to comfort the small girl "Oh, no,, the kissing was great.It's just..." She turns Sara around to face what she see's

"We claim this ship and ye two women as ours!" Blackbeard declares, Ava simply rolls her eyes "Come on." Sara scoots to the side to grab one of the many bow staffs she has "Hey.."and throws one to Ava. Ava unbuttons her blazer and gets ready "Let's do this."

\--- 

"Rum floats were a very good idea." 

"Only seemed fair since we missed dessert." Sara smirks and Ava chuckles stirring on her rum float. "Huh.." Sara chuckles staring at the rum bottle thats changed to Amaya's face.

"What?" Ava wonders, following Sara's eyeliner to see what she see's. 

"Sometimes, we screw things up for the better." Sara concludes. "I will drink to that." The two girls cheers and Ava sits down across from her. 

"It's good"

"Hey, look, I'm sorry about bailing on you earlier. I should have been honest with you about what was going on with my team--" Sara apologizes but a part her wants to show Ava that she isn't a total screw let alone is her team. 

"No,no-no-no-no. I never should've put the kibosh on talking shop." Ava interrupts the younger girl because in all honesty they both could've been honest with one another.

"You're right, it's your fault. " Sara teases, "You--oh, man" Ava chuckles getting excited for what is ahead for them "Besides I'd rather fight pirates with you any day than sit in some stupid restaurant" She adds.

"Well, in that case, I was thinking Genghis Khan for our second date?" Sara smirks, Ava moves a little closer hoping that they'll share another kiss "Done but only if I can call you Peter Pan--Ms.---Ms.--" Ava teases and Sara reddens and puts her finger up "Don't..." and Ava laughs and bites her bottom lip "Okay--So, you got a room on this ship or..." 

"Let's go find out." Sara gets up and starts walking out of the kitchen, she's glad that Ava took the lead on this one because she doesn't know how long this would've taken. Ava licks her bottom lip following the smaller girl. The walk to Sara's bedroom felt like years for both of them but as soon as that door shut Sara pushes Ava back on that door and crashes her lips onto the taller girl. Ava melts under her touch, finally she can focus on her lips. It's gentle, soft as if the wait was worth it because this case is pure and true. Sara moves from Ava's lips to her neck but Ava is quite the fighter and switches their position, this time Sara back is up against the wall and Ava pins her hands up on her head. Ava starts to bit her neck "No marks--" Sara's voice hitches when Ava bites a leader harder. This only leads to a very loud moan from Sara as Ava grazes her fingers over Sara's sex. She is throbbing at this point, and Ava knows it. 

"What do you want babe?" Ava whispers in Sara's ear giving her earlobe a bit while grazing her clit knowing how much its driving Sara crazy.

"You-- to do something." Sara growls capturing Ava's lips onto hers, craving her tongue more than anything else in the world. While this happens Ava starts to massage her clit, Sara accidentally bites Ava's bottom lip. Their tongues fight for dominance and Ava wins, for a while they stay like this but Ava can tell Sara is ready for more. She breaks their kiss and looks at Sara.

"Are you sure?" Sara asks, Ava bites her bottom lip and whispers in her ears to says "The real question is are you." She starts to kiss her ears, and makes her way down to her neck. 

Ava leaves wet kisses from her neck as they make their way to her bed. From her neck all the way down to her center, she takes Sara bottoms off. Ava looks back up at her, smirks, then lifts her legs up to the side. Kissing the inside of Sara's thighs she arches my back and shut her eyes as a reaction to how long Sara's been waiting for this. From there she moves closer and closer to her center until finally she is there. Ava blows some air onto it which is a new sensation but something that feels amazing. Ava warms Sara up with slow, broad licks making her tongue as wide as possible.

Sara is like putty in her hands, she keep arching her back as a reaction and Ava grips her thighs to steady Sara. Sara looks down at her and she changes her tongue position to use the tip for precision stimulation bringing Sara to one hell of a climax.

"Fuck--Ah--Ca--" she doesn't let Sara finish as she starts to weave her tongue between her folds, quickly giving her sex flicking licks. Sara wraps her hands in Ava's hair pulling a little hard but Sara is over the edge right now. Ava disconnects herself pulling Sara out of of headspace.

"Sara--not too hard I need my hair." She says before going back down and weaving her tongue in a zig-zag manner pushing Sara over the edge and making her cum.

"FUCK!" Sara shouts, as Sara softly pushes her away from her sex to give her some time to recover. Sara pulls Ava up to come next to her but before she comes up she cleans Sara up with her fingers and puts her taste in her mouth.

"Sweet like candy." She bites her tongue and lays next to Sara.

"What the fuck Ava" is all Sara manages to say. Ava tries to stand up but Sara stops.

"I just needed a second, now its your turn" Sara push her down on the bed and straddles her. Sara take her top off as well as hers.

"Your turn."Sara bites her tongue and Ava bites her lip, excited for whats to come knowing damn well it'll be her. 


	3. season 3 Episode 15

_I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me._

_I am not a killer. I am not a killer. I am not a killer. I am not a killer. I am not a killer. I am not a killer._

_I am not my shadows.I am not my shadows. I am not my shadows. I am not my shadows. I am not my shadows._

_I am who I've made myself to be. I am who I've made myself to be. I am who I've made myself to be. I am who I've made myself to be._

_I am a captain. I am a captain. I am a captain._

_I am human. I am human._

_I am a survivor._

_I am---_

Sarah recites and repeats in her head as she walks to the medbay knowing that the crew would be found there. The door whooshes interrupting not only her thoughts but as well as the conversations on the other side of the door. Sarah makes quick eye contact finding Ray who's got blood on his shirt, as Nate is aiding him. Immediate guilt hits her. She recites the words again as Ray starts to speak.

_I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me. I am not who they see me._

_I am not a killer. I am not killer. I am not killer._

_I am not my shadows. I am not my shadows._

_I am not---_

"Is it the real Sara?" Ray cautiously speaks, Sara offers him a smile knowing that said comment has no intention in hurting her. Yet it does. 

"Yeah, it's me." Fumbling with her hands anxious of what to say and where to go. "I'm sorry, Ray--I'm" she adds, but she isn't done. Sara walks towards the middle of the room to be able to look at everyone with whom had the nasty fate of having encountered demon Sara.

"--I'm sorry, everyone. I'm really sorry." Yet with her position her eyes stay glued on her hands. Anytime she gets like this its like a relapse of who she was when she was resurrected. This killer, this bloodlust hunter, one who's soul is gone, someone who isn't human, someone who wields death. And for Sara she has nobody to blame but herself. She pushes her hands in her pocket knowing that staring at them any longer won't take back what she's done. 

"It's good to have you back, Captain." Nate comforts, knowing that Sara isn't really one to emote and finds that this is the best way to convey the message that _I'm glad you are safe and back._

"Yeah, because evil you is a pain in the ass to fight." Zari makes light of the conversation making Sara smirk a bit. 

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around this mess---Why would Mallus want to show me Jesse?" Wally speaks up making everyone in the room question the same thing about their experiences

"Or me, my grandpa?"

"I don't know." Sara isn't even stomped at the question if anything she is stunned by what she's seen and what her team has seen as well. 

"Mallus was trying to recruit me to his side, and using my darkest fears. Maybe that's just what he does, he looks into our hearts, and broadcasts our deepest secrets." Sara concludes before disappearing into her thoughts. For as long as Sara has known, her biggest fear has always been how people perceive her as a killer and nothing more. Yet how could Mallus possibly use something against her knowing that she's encountered it multiple times. How is it that this same fear hasn't changed.

She starts to think about what Constantine said, **_You know t_ _heres a reason why I prefer to walk this path alone. It's uh--so I don't have to share with anyone how lost I really am._ **

For a good three years now Sara has embraced this idea, this team will always and forever be here. That she'll never be alone as long as she's got the people she loves around her. It's always comforted her that no matter what happens she'll be able to protect them, and not fail them the same way she did Laurel. But it's different with Ava. She's not always with her, and if Ava is, that might be more dangerous than being away from her. What if she's just as lost as Constantine and is truly destined to walk this path alone. 

"Right--Uhm I'm sorry again." She pulls herself out of her thoughts and finds that Wally and Zari have wondered off. Nate smiles softly bumping her shoulder, Amaya pats her back before the two waltz away. Ray gets up slowly walking towards Sara and pulling her into a hug. 

"You are not your fears captain. Remember that." he whispers in the midst of the hug. Yet for Sara her fear has taken over once again. She leaves the medbay and heads for her quarters knowing that Ava is there. After the incident, Ava took asylum in Sara's bedroom knowing that, that is the one place she feels safe. 

The door opens, and Sara finds a spaced out Ava sitting on the edge of the bed. Ava looks at her "Hey." Sara stops, 

"We need to talk." Sara tries to keep her head on straight, Ava on the other hand is already fearing for the worst. 

"No good conversation ever started that way." Ava jokes hoping that the conversation isn't heading where she thinks its heading. 

"Ava, I'm sorry." Sara apologizes and although the team took the most of her demon beating she still hurt the one person she'd hope would never truly see who she was before. But its too late, Ava see's her but for Sara she believes that Ava's seen the real her. On the contrary, Ava see's quiet the opposite really she see's Sara as human, and as vulnerable as she is. 

"Listen---" Ava gets up and pauses, collecting her thoughts. There are no words, to comfort someone who's gone through demon stone attachment leading the love of your life to hurt those around her, but she'll definitely try to find some. 

"I can't pretend to understand what you went through or--or what happened to you, but I know that wasn't you Sara." Sara sighs and new words fill, repeat themselves over and over again in her head. 

_You are who they see you. You are who they see you. You are who they see you. You are who they see you. You are who they see you. You are who they see you. You are who they see you._

_You are an assassin._ _You are an assassin._ _You are an assassin._ _You are an assassin._ _You are an assassin._ _You are an assassin._

_You are a killer. You are a killer. You are a killer. You are a killer. You are a killer._

_You've got names of those you've killed written all over your body, and their blood runs through your veins._

_You are death. You are death. You are death. You are death._

Sara shakes her head "That's just it. That was me. Just like fire is to Rory, there is a part of me that...its always been there. And I really tried to pretend that that wasnt true. But deep down, I am death." Ava is quick to disagree, Sara might not see it for herself but Ava does, she is the one person who is willing to make the calls, the one person who is brave enough to survive to rewrite and tempt fate. 

"No--Sara, okay, so we can fight that part of you together--" Ava reaches to comfort Sara, but Sara pulls away. "Just tell me what to do."

"Hey, Ava, you read my file--"

"But I still showed up at that restaurant, in that horribly uncomfortable dress trying to impress you because I don't care about your past, Sara." Ava tries to explain as vague as possible knowing that deep down that she is in fact in love with Sara. For Ava there is this unspoken connection, this intriguing connection that always seems to pull her right back in. And for Ava that isn't something you find everyday. 

"Well, maybe you should." Sara sighs, breaking her own heart, she reaches for Ava's face and cups it. "You are wonderful. And I..." Sara swallows the rock forming inside her throat 

"And I've never been this happy in my life." Sara avoids Ava's gaze trying to avoid crying, she lets out a big sigh and avoids the possibility. 

"But this doesn't look happy." Ava murmurs

"Look, I don't deserve you--"

"Yes, Sara, yes, you do" Ava is quick to interject 

"No, Ava, I don't. You saw my scars, they aren't souvenirs. If anything they are like shadows, they follow me everywhere until I die. And they'll never stop appearing. I don't want you to become another scar, or another shadow for me Ava. You deserve better, you deserve so much better. And I care about you, but...I'm not going to do this. I won't." Sara and Ava feel like they are worlds apart even though they are millimeters from one another. Their hearts are breaking at the same time. 

"Sara-"Ava tries to interject one last time

"I'm sorry." Is all Sara can say now and turns herself away from the woman she's loved just as Nyssa possibly more. Ava is overwhelmed and knows that the fastest way to get out of there without breaking down is by physically stepping out. The portal opens and she walks out with tears in her eyes, and two parts of her heart inside aching. Sara has a quick lapse of judgement and turns around wanting to stop her but ultimately says nothing and watches the portal close. Sara collapses on the bed, lays her head down in hopes that she'll drift to sleep. She slides her hand under her pillow to find a piece of paper that reads;

_This spot reserved for the girlfriend of Sara Lance._

As for Ava, she portals herself back into her office. She closes her blinds, and turn on the shadow function on her door. She feels like her hearts been ripped out of her chest and crushed. As soon as she takes care of her privacy she almost collapses on her chair and desk. 


	4. Season 3 Episode 16

_I need to clear my head, and being on this damn ship is suffocating. Everywhere I go it's like some fucked up flashback of who I hurt and how I did it._

"I am not just walking out on the team, Ray." Sara irritatingly answers her crew as they follow her to the jump ship 

"She says, as she's literally walking away." Ray sasses looking at his other members for some kind of back up. Sara rolls her eyes. Yes she is currently walking away but that is to gain some kind of balance and ground on her life right now. 

"Sara, we appreciate that you may need a break after what happened with the death totem. But this is the absolute worst time for you to leave." Amaya brings up but nothing can convince her otherwise, what happened with the death totem is the last thing that Sara thought she is capable of let alone go back to. And yet her mind keeps replaying every single thing that happened over and over again. It's practically eating her alive. 

"At least let us lock you up in the brig, we need you here now more than ever." Nate compromises 

"Yeah, we've almost won the totem race." Ray explains, Sara turns around finally facing her rather worried crew and explains, "Which is exactly why I need to go. Look, we are so close to gaining control over the "the six" and getting the upper hand on Mallus. I just--I need a day to clear my head." Sara bargains knowing that she needs more than a day but a day is all she can get for herself. So much of who she was back then is coming back right now, she's repressed so much of that darkness in her that its shaken her up seeing it surface. 

"Yeah, but who's gonna stop Mick from burning down the ship with the fire totem?" Ray worries 

"Someone's gonna have to fill in the role of captain while I'm gone." Sara answers responsibly, Nate nods in agreement hoping it'll be him thats chosen

"Oh, well, uh, I hadn't exactly thought I'd--I'd pick up the mantle this soon, but--" Sara interrupts Ray's quick conclusion 

"I'm putting Amaya in charge--Good luck." Sara nods off at Amaya before walking out. 

_A day is good, a day is enough. It's going to have to be enough. Where do I go? When do I go?_

**"You can't run from your shadows. You are a killer Sara, thats what you are trained to be. That's what you've become"** Sara's dark thoughts echo around her head, as she is heading for the jump ship. She shakes her head trying to get rid of those negative thoughts. It's quiet for a moment until she hears Ray right behind her. 

"Look, Sara for what it's worth, I know it wasnt the real you who tried to kill us." He starts to beg trying to give Sara some hope and clearance. But her fears are too powerful to convince her otherwise. 

"That's just it, Ray, that was the real me. Which is why I need to--" before she can finish a portal opens from the Time Bureau. Gary steps out with his hand covering his eyes blindly walking into the ship.

"Miss Lance it's Gary, sorry to drop in on you like this." He explains as he runs into the wall, Sara rolls her eyes "What're you doing? Open your eyes, Gary." Gary turns to face Sara and smiles 

"Oh, hi. Sorry, I didn't wanna accidentally portal into your quarters and catch you and Director Sharpe, you know..." Starts doing hand signals trying to avoid the worse "--together." Sara rolls her eyes once again 

"Well you don't have to worry about that anymore because we broke up." It's the first time she's actually said it out loud, in a span of 24 hours. Its been running around in her ahead the unfortunate situation without voicing it. Hearing herself say it, hurts her even more than thinking about it. Sara walks away and heads for the jump ship.

"Wait,what?---Why didn't you tell us?" Ray wonders going after Sara concluding that the death totem and a break up all at the same time is a lot for one person

"No, no, you guys can't break up. I was shipping you so hard." Gary whines, "That's why you're leaving." Ray concludes, in Sara's case its only half true. She's leaving because of the death totem experience and the break up. 

"That is not why I'm leaving--And if you're looking for Ava, I suggest you check her office." Sara lies then quickly disappears back into the jump ship, but Gary interrupts "Uh, well, that's the thing she hasn't been to work in a few days, which is very unlike her." 

This caught Sara's attention, Ava wouldn't and couldn't take off work even if it was a dire dire dire emergency. "I've already been covering for her, I forged her signature twice. What am I suppose to do next? Put on a wig and pantsuit and pretend I'm her?" Ray turns his head questioning Gary's undying loyalty to Ava

"No don't do that." Sara voices shaking her head at Gary's admirable and yet stupid suggestion 

"What if she's in trouble? I mean, we already lost Director Bennett. What if Grodd got to her too? Oh, my God, oh, my God--" Gary starts to spiral, and Sara is having her own version of a spiral it seems that Ray is the only who is hanging onto some logic. 

"Gary, Gary, deep breaths. Deep breaths." Ray places his hands over Garys shoulder trying to comfort him.

"Don't worry, Gary because we're gonna find her." hoping that Ray wouldn't catch on but he can't hide his smirk as he says " _We_ will find her?" Sara glares at him trying to ignore his insinuation. Gary opens as portal back to the Time Bureau, and their rescue team start heading for her ex's office. 

"If Ava comes back and finds us shopping through her office--" Gary Cautiously walks in, Sara opens the other door " We're only snooping to find out where she went." Sara looks around for possible movements from the older woman while Ray heads for her computer, as Gary tries to erase any trace of them being in that office. "What are you doing?" Gary wonders 

"I am hacking into the bureau's network to access Ava's personnel file." As Ray taps away at the computer Sara can't help but worry, what if something horrible went wrong, what if their break and the encounter with the death totem caused her to quit or something. 

"Huh." Ray speaks up getting Sara's attention "What is it?" 

"Director Sharpe's personnel file has been erased." Gary adds

"Someone deleted it remotely from the Waverider."

"Wow, she must've really wanted to go off the radar." Sara concludes, nobody goes through that much trouble if they really don't want to be found. 

_What is going on Ava?_

"Wait you think Director Sharpe erased her own file? That's crazy." Gary chuckles at the audacity that Sara has insinuated, Sara gets irritated "Yeah, so is putting on a wig and impersonating your boss, Gary." She bites back 

"I didn't actually do it." He murmurs, Sara heads down to her trash to see if she can get a trace 

"Mm-hmm" Sara humors him, as she dumps the trash on her desk

"What are you doing?" 

"Looking for clues as to where she might've gone." Ray and Sara start shifting around the trash while Gary tries to put them back 

"Birthday card from her parents in Fresno." Sara reads aloud, for the time she's known Ava she hasn't learned a lot about the girls parents. She spoke about them, but the way Ava spoke about them its as if they are total strangers to her. 

"Think she might've gone to Fresno? Does that mean we have to go to Fresno?" Ray mumbles as Sara is trying to make sense of what is unfolding in front of her. It wouldn't make sense for her to be in Fresno, Ava always explained this disconnected connection with her parents so why would she go to them at the time of her most vulnerable state. 

The dream team head to Fresno in hopes they'll find Ava, but in the back of Sara's mind she knows that Ava won't be there.

Arriving at Ava's parents house she's a bit saddened at the fact that this is how she encounters Ava's parents. Sara is not one for tradition but she had hoped that if and when she did drop by to introduce herself it would be Ava bringing her there. 

"Well, this isn't exactly how I imagined meeting Ava's parents." Sara rambles which she soon regrets seeing the hopeful faces of Raymond and Gary. 

"Not that I ever imagined meeting Ava's parents.I just,I--" Sara clarifies, hoping the two will buy the lie. 

\---

The three walk out of the house more confused than ever. Gary opens a portal back to the Time Bureau and Sara gets to thinking. 

_How could she lie? Why would she lie?_

"What kind of person invents a fake family and backstory?" Ray says out loud fueling Sara's confusion and anger. One of the most disrespecting thing Sara can encounter is being lied too. Rip, Oliver, and her own sister has lied to her a million times. She hates the lying. 

"Well when I was a kid, I told my friends my dad was an orthodontist. It sounded much cooler than dentist." Gary rambles, not knowing the affect of his own crap Sara tries to go back to her anger.

"If she was lying about where she's from, there's no telling what else she--" Sara is interrupted when she see's Ava walking towards the with sunglasses on and this pained look on her face. The two make eye contact finally, there is no softening within their faces but utter anger, this heartbreaking anger. Ava takes her sunglasses off, Sara finds her eyes to be dark and red. 

"Sara, what're you doing here?" Ava asks, scanning her eyes from Sara eyes to the guys next to her and to her papers. Ava is so unsure of what to do, she hasn't had this kind of experience where she see's her ex not even 24 hours after their own break up. 

"Uh, Gary was worried that you were missing, so naturally we were concerned and thought we'd investigate it further." Sara tries to soften her face, trying to get rid of everything she is feeling this anger, an intrigue, this confusion. It fails as she tries to create an explanation for her ex. 

Ava puts on her brave face as she explains and avoids looking at Sara, "Well, clearly I'm no longer missing, so..." she pauses. Sara doesn't even recognize who she is looking at anymore. "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Don't I look fine?" Ava sarcastically answers, offering Sara a fake smile 

"Where have you been?" Gary comes closer to Ava

"If you must know, I--Gary, straighten your tie." Ava tries to quickly think up a lie, "I was visiting my parents in Fresno. Home-cooked meals and all"

"Hmm, Fresno?" 

"Mm-hmm" Ava agrees keeping up with her lie 

"Mhm." Sara hasn't stopped looking at her but Ava can't do the same. Sara is putting aside the fact that her heart is broken in two because of the fact that this isn't the Ava she knows. 

"Nothing like a tray of snickerdoodles. Well, I mean any other kind of cooking to, um, mend a broken heart."Ava lets out a sigh at Rays terrible approach about their recent break up 

"You know what? I have a lot of work to do. I'm sure you two can see yourselves out." Ava finally looks up at Sara only to break her heart a little bit more. Ava pushes pass Sara and Gary, knowing the her tears are building up at the sight of Sara. 

"You okay? No one likes running into their ex." Ray tries to comfort Sara but for Sara she isn't done talking 

"I'm fine and like I said, let's find out what else she's hiding from us." Sara pulls up, Ava's time courier. 

"Wait here." Sara says running after Ava. Ray and Gary try running after her unsure of what her intentions are but know that its not a good thing for them to talk right now. 

"Sara! Wait!"

"Miss Lance! This is not the right time--and she doesn't really like when people just--"

"Sara wait! Listen to--" Ray makes a mistake laying his hand on Sara's shoulder. Sara flips him over and he lands himself on ground

"I don't care, Ray." Sara says through her teeth, Gary runs to Rays aid and watches as Sara barges into Ava's office. Ava is sitting in her chair facing the wall when Sara walks in. She turns around at the sound of her door, opening Gary isn't kidding when he said she doesn't like people barging in. 

"Sara! What're you--" Ava rubs the tears off of her eyes and tries to appear as strong as she was in front of her own ex. 

"We need to talk." Sara states not getting any closer, and folding her hands into a fist

"There is nothing to talk about." Ava clenches her jaw getting angrier by the minute at Sara's tone. Sara chuckles at Ava reaction especially with the situation that has just unfolded 30 minutes ago.

"Trust me there is."

"What do you want Sara? Because right now the last thing I want to do is talk to you, hell I can barely look at you. You hurt me do you understand that."

"Ava, I needed to make a decision." Sara argues knowing that the break up really did a number on Ava. She's quiet for a moment collecting her thoughts, she slams her hands on her desk and says "A relationship Sara, this was a relationship you don't just get to decide on your own. You talk to me because as a relationship it involves two people. I don't care what you thought was best for us, because that credence disappears as soon as you make it on your own. Do you get that!"

"Ava--"

"No, get out."

"I---"

"Leave Sara." Ava allows her tears to roll down her face but that softness is gone, she turns away from Sara and back to the wall. Perfect timing as Gary and Ray open the door. 

"C'mon lets go." Ray signals Sara to head to the door, and this time Sara is the one leaving and Ava is left to ache. 

The three head to Gary's desk trying to decipher Ava's time courier.

"Maybe she wasn't lying about where she was, but when she was." Ray hypothesizes,

"I thought the worst thing about her is she's from Fresno." Sara murmurs, 

"Well, I'm not--I'm not seeing anything in her Time Courier records that wasnt Bureau sanctioned and by the book." Gary anxiously looks around trying to act as normal as possible as Sara and Ray look at her history 

"Wait. What's that?" Sara points at the computer, Ray pulls it up "Uh, her first mission Vancouver, 2213. I cant access it," 

"The Bureau has sanctioned 2213 a no-fly zone." Gary whispers between Ray and Sara hoping nobody else hears 

"Meaning?" Sara wonders 

"Meaning, the courier you stole from Ava doesn't do you any good, and the Waverider cant fly there either. The only person who can override the restriction--" Gary pause

"Is a Time Bureau Director." Ray finishes his sentence 

'Yeah--but why wouldn't Director Sharpe--"

"Want us to know who she really is? I'll give you one guess, Gary." Sara finishes, starting to worry and wonder what to do about this whole situation 

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. You think my boss is an Anachronism?" he whispers while he panics

"The only way to know for sure is to go to 2213." Ray concludes

"So how do we get there?" Sara questions thinking of a plan as she goes.

"I--I guess the only way would be to hijack the mother ship, but unfortunately I failed flight training. Damn astigmatism."

"Like I'd let you fly." Sara walks away from the two boys and starts heading for the ship. 


	5. Season 3 Episode 17

With Damien and Nora/Mallus on the ship, tense cant even begin to describe how the crew is feeling. With everything that has happened in the last couple of days, Ava discovering she's a clone, Amaya going awol, and Damien running to Sara for some kind of help. She hasn't been able to hang onto some kind of normalcy in her life.

_What does one say to somebody who just found out they are a clone? How can you stop one of your crew members from screwing up with the whole timeline even though its to save family? How could you possibly allow the one person who is meant to be dead stay alive?_

"I tried to reason with them, but they won't listen. Amaya is dead set on saving her village. And Nate? He's just..." Wally starts up the discussion as to how to stop the impending apocalypse. 

"Whipped" Sara describes, 

"I was gonna say _in love_ but, yeah, same thing." Wally cautiously treads knowing that the mention of love around both Ava and Sara is still very sensitive even though the two haven't exchanged it yet. 

"Zari, please tell me that you found a loophole that allows Amaya to save her village," Begging for an answer hoping for the better

"There is no loophole. I've tried billions of variations, but this event has too many ripple effects. The village has to be destroyed or Mallus is freed. " Zari frustratingly answers pacing in the library

"And we're all doomed" Rip chimes in unhelpfully, but Sara thankful has had a eureka moment 

"What if we're not?"

"Hmm?" Ava wonders, and everyones attention is on her, Sara grabs the death totem and explains her idea. 

"We have the six totems, the only thing that Mallus is afraid of. But you can't fight what you can't see. What if the only way to kill Mallus is to let him out?" Ava is the first one to say what everybody is clearly thinking 

"Are you really suggesting that we allow Mallus to escape because you have a collection of magical stones?" The vibe in the room grows tense 

"Look, we have two choices; we fight Amaya or we fight Mallus. And I know it sounds crazy to let a time demon out, but it's a hell of a lot easier to stomach than turning on a friend." Sara points out 

"Okay, yes, but didn't the original totem bearers try and face Mallus and--and blow it?" Wally recollects 

"Constantine said the only reason they couldn't kill Mallus was because the death totem betrayed them. And thats not gonna happen this time."

For Sara she's come to a decision that she is not strong enough let alone pure enough to wield such power. She still hears her own crew begging for her to let them go as she is hurting them. She can't bare having another incident like that.

"How can you be so sure? I needn't remind you what happened the last time you tried to wield it." Rip wonders as he watches Sara's head churns for ideas. The crew watches as Damien walks in, interrupting their brainstorming session.

"She won't have to wield it. I will" He confidently says. A scoff escapes the air. 

"The death totem was attracted to Captain Lance because of a unique quality we both share. We were both brought back from the dead. Plus, I have a personal stake in wanting to send Mallus straight to hell. He took my little girl." As Damien makes his grand speech everyone especially Ava can't believe what she's hearing. She looks at Sara and all Sara offers her is a nod of surrender and agreement. 

"True as that may be, there is no chance that Captain Lance would trust you with such a dangerous weapon." Rip argues, but Sara turns to Damien and throws him the totem. 

"Death Totem's all yours." Rip scoffs in disbelief and Ava speaks up "Sara you can't be serious."

"Ava, we don't have a choice."

"Our only choice is to stop Amaya and stop the anachronisms. This is insanity." Ava knows that there is more to this decision than merely preventing going after a friend. Ava knows a few things about past and what bringing it up does to her. Sara's described to Ava how fearful she is of her own past. How someone could be capable to do such things. For Ava this is more about Sara fearing herself. 

"Insane is what we do best, Ava." Sara argues

"I will not condone this behavior, and the Bureau certainly does not stand behind you. Rip, let's go. We have work to do." Is all Ava could say without making it personal. 

"Remember when I told you that we would need the Legends before this was through. Perhaps it is time that we set aside the scalpel and let them be the chainsaw." Rip compromises but Ava has had enough. In a span of days her hearts been broken, her world has been torn, the one man of whom is to blame for fabricating her truth is leaving her side and now she can barely recognize the woman she loves. 

"I will consider that your resignation." Ava walks away from the brig, holding back the tears knowing that this is not the time to get personal. "Ava" she hears Sara call out.

"Ava wait." Sara follows after her, until there is only them

"This plan can work and you know it. You just need to trust your gut." Sara continues, Ava stops in her tracks 

"My gut? You mean the one that was manufactured to factory settings?" Ava pauses earning a sigh from Sara 

"That's the same gut that 11 other Ava's used and got killed?" Sara walks closer to Ava trying to get a connection between one another. 

"Ava, please. Just trust me." Sara begs looking deeply into Ava's eyes

"You don't understand. This plan breaks, every rule in every book and all I have right now are the rules, okay?" 

"You have me." Sara blankly states and Ava scoffs creating more distance between one another. 

"Do I Sara? I don't know who you are anymore? I don't even know what's real anymore. Which version do I have of you because the last time I check the Sara I knew wouldn't just give her nemesis more power. Wouldn't have gone behind my back to meet my so called parents and threaten them for answers." Ava shouts, shocking Sara. 

"I--You aren't so innocent either Ava you lied. Right in front of my face. Fresno Ava? At least I was actually being honest within our relationship and not once did I lie straight to your face. God, it sucks because I love you Ava--" Sara leans in for a kiss but quickly pulls away.

"But now that I think about it, was any of it real? This. Us. You and me. I meant what I said when I told you I've never been happier in my life and now here I am reevaluating it all, was it any of it even real! Because the way I see it, if it any of it was real you'd actually trust me." 

"Sara there is no _me_ to love." is all Ava can say, Sara pushes her hand up her hair irritated at the response. She scoffs one last time, and turns around making her way back to the brig. 

"Sara--I--"

Sara turns around and puts her hand up. "Don't. I don't even---just don't."


	6. season 3 Episode 18

"I'll be seeing you, Miss Lance" Ava smirks whilst tighten her grip on Erikson's sister as she is escorting them back to the Time Bureau. 

"Oh, you can count on it, Miss Sharpe." Sara simply answers. After Sara walked away from Sara's confession. Ava got to thinking that, everything that has happened between her and Sara has been nothing but real. That's as real as it gets.

"Alright, memory wipe all these fugitives and please place them back to their proper timeline." Ava hands the Erikson sister off to one of the agents. Ava pulls her phone out from her pocket and heads for her office for some privacy. She pulls up Sara's name getting ready to text her. 

Ava knows that she shouldn't just pop back in, and besides she's got to make her way back to Washington D.C being the new Director and all. 

**|**

The cursor blinks awaiting for Ava to type in a message. Ava figures that it god knows when her and Sara will see each other again. 

**Hey, we should talk soon|**

She types, and her hand hovers over the send button but she hesitates. Up until Gary barges into her office scaring her, leading her to accidentally hit send.

"Damn it, Gary." Ava grits, and glares at the already anxious Gary

"Sorry, Director I just--the crew is waiting for approval for the mother ship flight to take off around 14hr?" Gary sheepishly smiles, Ava sighs knowing the he is simply doing his job

"Yes, perfect. Thank you." Gary awkwardly bows, and starts to head out. Ava looks down at her phone to see that the message wasnt delivered. 

"Gary wait!" Gary pauses in his tracks and turns around 

"Yes, Director Sharpe?" Unsure of how to answer without giving away the reason of personal gain. 

"My messages aren't sending to uh---uhm---uhm--Nate, do you have any idea why?" Gary smirks knowing that the real receiver of her message is Sara

"Well they are in the temporal zone, I don't think they'd have much cell service there" Gary jokes irritating Ava a bit more, because she knows that there is wifi on that ship

"Gary-" She warns 

"I don't know Director but you could always just pop back onto the ship?" He suggest before making a quick exit 

"I can't just--ugh---" Ava decides to put her phone down and begins to pack her office up. Being the new Director she's got a lot more responsibility now. Her first priority was obviously Mallus but thats been taken care of which means she's got to go back. Go back home. Maybe some time apart might be good for them, it'll give Ava some time to slip herself into her new responsibilities. As packs her things she hears her phone buzz. She pops up from under her desk and glances at her phone. She smiles at the name.

**Sara: Don't miss me too much Director Sharpe, enjoy D.C.**

Ava bites her bottom lip excited at the sight of Sara's text. She can't help but smile, there isn't a point on trying to get rid of it. 

**Ava: No promises ;)**

Ava confidently texts back and gets back to packing. Minutes later, she hears a whoosh and Sara comes walking in from her ship into Ava's office. 

"Sara? How did you?" Ava smiles hovering on top of her desk, theres nothing else left to be packed so she doesn't mind having an intruder. Sara reveals the time courier that she'd swiped from Ava months ago.

"Right--"

"Hi, this is me not hesitating. Besides the team is currently fighting as to which anachronisms we should fix next, but I'm pretty sure we're going ti take a bit of a break head for Aruba." Sara smirks sitting down looking up at Ava

"Oh, okay well. Before this goes any further I think we should talk." Ava walks around her desk and sits across Sara.

"Okay let's talk." Sara leans relaxing and gets comfortable, Ava smirks a little annoyed at the fact that Sara is almost too cool for her and its kind of irritating. 

"So you love me," Ava starts 

"Yes, and you said there is no you to love instead of just saying you love me too." Sara jokes trying to lighten the mood, Ava reacts in defeat. 

"Well--who says--I love you." Ava jokes catching Sara off guard. Sara turns her head in curiosity

"Alright I guess I'll go--" Sara gets up but Ava chuckles and pulls her back down. Sara giggles and sits back down and crosses her arms 

"No, please. I do love you, Sara I'm just scared you know. I haven't had the time to just--" Ava warbles her hands around head. They've gone through a lot in a span of a week. A whole week to go through; Sara's transformation, breaking up with Sara, finding out she's a clone and everything about her life is a lie, and of course taking over a whole bureau.

"And I just need some weird ass version of normalcy in my life and nothing is concrete its scaring the shit out of me and-i-know-that-you've-got-shit-to-work-through-as-well-but-i-dont-want-to-stop-this-because-out-of-everything-that's-been-going-on-you-are-the-one-constant-in-the-past-few-months." Ava rambles on Sara moves closer to her and places her hands on Ava's thighs. 

"Listen to me, we both have things to work on, I know that but we do have things that are concrete. We know who we are--" Sara starts to explain but Ava cuts her off

"No, I don't know who I am anymore Sara. I'm a clone and more importantly I'm the twelfth version of me how could I--"

"Ava," Sara pauses grabbing her neck and pulling her in closer to her. Their foreheads touch, Sara pauses a second before continuing,"--You are more than just a clone, clones don't have emotions, they don't fall in love but you did. And you clearly have, I mean you have an ex in Vegas. You clearly have loved before, that is not some factory setting Ava." Sara looks deeply into Ava's eyes hoping Ava will understand.

"I--she wasn't like you." Ava gets up from Sara thinking about her Cassidy. Knowing how it was a mistake for to even go back to see her. Yet for Ava she needed to know what she felt for Sara is real. And as soon as they got together everything she felt for Sara never felt more real. Which might've been what scared her, as well because as good and as amazing as it was to be with Cassidy it's not the same as what she has with Sara. 

"Okay so then you've got to know you are not a clone. That to me Ava means you are just about as human as all of us." Sara looks up at Ava who is on the verge of tears. Sara gets up from chair and walks towards Ava cupping her face and placing a soft kiss on her lips. Ava's tears fall finally and Sara pulls away to wipe them. Sara brings their foreheads touch once again. 

"Are you sure you are willing to be in a relationship with all of this? This--"

"Stop it Ava, if anybody should be asking that type of question it should be me. My baggage isn't like everybody elses--" Sara steps back from Ava unsure of how to address her history. Sara isn't one to relive her past, she's willing to give people the rundown which is (league of assassins, trained killer with a high body count, died once, assumed to have died a couple of times, brought back to life and now I'm a captain)

She doesn't really like going into the detail about it because it feels like she's reliving it. But for Sara if she's going be all into this, Ava deserves the whole truth. Sara sits but back, and Ava mimics her and sits right across from her. 

"Okay if you want to, we can talk about it now," Ava is now reaching for Sara in comfort 

"About my past—“ Sara starts 

“Sara—I already read your file there isn’t anything that could possib—“ Ava interrupts 

“I know, but that information is from Rip. And I’m not here to tell you that they aren’t real, you have to hear them from me and not read them in some file. Rip may be all knowing prophet from the future but he doesn’t know everything.” Sara starts knowing that going down this road is a one way street

“The way I see my life, most of it, if not all of it up until I got on this time ship was spent in the dark. I don't know who those people are. They are like different versions of me. Before the cheating and the lying behind Laurels back with Oliver. I was as naïve as they come. I was a child. And the day I step foot on that boat was the same day I let go of who I was. When the Gambit tipped over I remember accepting the fate of my death. But I surfaced and when I came over that water I knew that whoever surfaced and floated on that drift wood isn’t the same girl that came home from college that weekend.” Sara pauses thinking about how scary the quiet she dealt with having been under the water for so long. 

“A boat picked me up, gave me a second chance. Showed me the true intentions of humanity. That to me, back then, we as humans only wanted to help those in need if it somehow benefited us in the end. I knew I was different because I immediately advertised the fact that Oliver and his family are loaded and could buy me out of this situation. How sick is that? I didn't kill yet, but I might as well have. I put numerous people through hell just to prove my loyalty to Ivo fearing that I'd be next. But I got a part of myself back when I saw that Oliver on board a couple of years later. I refuse to let the crew know that I knew him so at the first sight of him I kicked him right in the stomach, knocking him down and acted cold. Apparently he had been stranded on that horrid island. When I first saw him, I knew I only had seconds to let him know that I am not that Sara anymore. He obviously realized and later disclosed that he believed I died. You can only imagine what that’s like. But being around Ollie just got me back to who I was. He’s the only person that ever tried to shield me away from killing someone but that clearly changes. The boat got destroyed again and again he saw me die. And every single time he’s seen me die I always remember this look he gave me. And it kills me, it haunts me because its the same look those prisoners and those targeted by the league gave me.” Sara pauses collecting her thoughts and avoiding her tears to get the best of her 

“I washed up on the shore somewhere in China. I didn't know where I was or what I was going to do. I had escape death yet again but I was tired. I was scared to die but I didn't want to be alive I genuinely felt paralyzed. I don't know how long I was out there on my own but I know it was long until Nyssa found me. What I had with Oliver was great and amazing but we were kids. As for Nyssa as weird as it may sound but she's as close to real as I got. Nyssa saved my life, she took me in, she took me to Nanda Parbat thats where I swore my allegiance to the League of Assassins. That's when the last of my light when out. I--" Sara pause feeling her hands getting sweaty and her heart raising. 

"Hey--you don't have to keep going okay. You can take your time we don't have to do this all now." Ava comforts Sara by taking hands in hers and placing a soft kiss. 

"No Ava you deserve to hear it all. I took so many lives in a span of 5 years. I lived my life as if I was a God and had the power to decide who gets to live and who doesn't. No one has that power but I acted like I did. I never flinched. I just turned myself off, to the point where I forgot about my own family up until Nyssa finally pushed me to talk about them. Driving me back to them, I left the league which they don't take lightly, for a while I was okay but they soon found me. I fought for a little with a team for a little while until someone who, I trust got brainwashed and killed me. When I finally loved having lived and being alive I was taken away. For the first time in a long while I didn't feel so alone, until I died. I was gone for a whole year, I gave up and surrendered my soul to a demon." Sara. pause

" Laurel brought me back to Nanda Parbat and resurrected me by using the Lazarus pit. With my soul being gone, my body came back but not me. I had this bloodlust and anger because I was murdered. I hurt my own friend seeking for revenge even though she was compelled to kill me. I eventually got myself back but not fully. The bloodlust stayed, this need to take. When the death totem took over and I was with Mallus--I felt helpless. As I fought you and my own team I wasnt aware of my actions but I was aware of every single wince, grunt, and beg for mercy I heard and more importantly I felt it. I felt all of it, all the pain from them and all the lives I've taken. It's like the bloodlust woke up. I haven't slept in days Ava. It's rare that I get a goodnight sleep. After the death totem I feared of what you saw, and feared for your own safety. So again, are you sure you want to deal with all of this?" Sara finishes, Ava sympathetically smiles and pulls Sara closer. 

"Listen to me--I want it all. I want all of you. Okay I love you. All of you." Ava explains reaching for a kiss and Sara happily meets her halfway.

Sara pulls away from the kiss "Thank--" she starts to say

"Director Sharpe?" Gary barges in making the two quickly pull apart from one another. Sara chuckles while Ava rolls her eyes in disbelief. 

"What Gary?" They turn to the regretting Gary he starts to make hand gestures indicating something 

"Speak Gary." Ava orders, "The mothership is ready to take off whenever you are--" Gary waits for a response. 

"Welp I'm gonna head out, those anachronisms don't just get back on their own. I'll talk to you later. Have fun with your new minions." Sara kisses Ava on the cheek opens a portal and winks before she walks back onto the ship she turns to Gary. 

"Don't let it happen again." Sara threatens before walking onto the ship. 


	7. Season 4 Episode 3

After the Ray and Charlie incident Sara decide to pop into the Time Bureau. This week it's Ava's turn to sleep on the ship, and Sara's gotten into the habit of picking her up from work and bringing her back.

As she walks into the main office she see's a gooed up Nate and Gary. She turns to the office from which they come to see a rather gooeier room. "I like what you've done with the place. Sort of a little office of horrors theme"

"Nate showed the plant who's boss, Captain Lance." Gary chimes earning a pat from Nate. "Oh, yeah?" 

"Although the plant did get in a lot of punches." Gary continues but Nate interrupts "Okay, Gar-Gar. Alright, let's leave a little something to the imagination--Speaking of you should probably change your shirt before Ava gets back. I can see where your nipple was"

Sara watches as two have a rather odd yet adorable exchange with one another, Gary puts his hand up waiting for a high-five. Nate happily gives him one, and Gary offers a handshake as well. "And the handshake." Gary smiles off

"Aw. You already found a new time bro." Sara coo's

"He's growing on me" Nate defenses but ultimately smiles

"Okay, but really when are you coming back to the ship? Theres a situation that I could really use your input on" Sara rambles a little panicked knowing that keeping a captive on the boat is 100% against the rule, but having that captive look like Amaya is 10 times worse 

"When I took this job at the Time Bureau, I thought I was doing it for my dad, or even maybe a little bit for Ava. But, uhm, the truth is I was trying to avoid the Waverider." Nate confesses reminding himself of that heart broken feeling and this longing for Amaya. It's clear that Sara didn't pick up on it, " Why?" she questions 

"Because every room I went into on that ship, I was hoping she'd be there." Nate sighs, and it clicks for Sara "Amaya." maybe having him on the ship might not be good because Charlie currently looks like Amaya. But she doesn't actually know how let along want to tell Nate now. 

"Yeah--but I'm over it. Amaya is no longer on the Waverider thats it. I'm sorry, you wanted to talk about something?" 

_Shit._ Sara thought to herself knowing that asking him advice about the Ray thing would bring up the whole Charlie Amaya thing. 

"Uhm, no, it can--it'll wait. Maybe a little Bureau time is exactly what you need. So I think you should stay here...because I like to watch you grow" Sara terribly lies offering Nate a smile hoping he'll buy it

"Mm, thank you, Sara." 

"Yeah", Their conversation ends and Ava walks in in perfect timing. "Hi" Nate whispers before pushing pass the two of them not wanting to explain to his boss what just happened. 

"Uh, wow"

"So enough chitchat. Dinner? Drinks? Should we get straight to it?" Sara wonders pushing herself closer to the taller woman knowing how much she's missed her

"Woah, woah, what did I say about professional boundaries." Ava places her hands on her girlfriends hips stopping her from walking further "Sorry," Sara simply says 

"I mean look at this place--Can you please just tell me--how do you keep five legends on a leash at once?" Ava is still very focused on the mess at work while Sara's mind wonders else where having that stupid ass smirk on her face 

"Very loosely, because sometimes we pull you in the right direction" Sara simply answers taking Ava's hands and opening a portal back onto the ship.

"Wait I can't---" Ava reaches for her new time courier and once again its been swiped by Sara. 

"Babe you can't keep doing that. These things are expensive" Ava sighs taking the courier back and putting it back on her wrist.

"Promise, now we're going to have a family dinner then I am all yours." Sara smirks whispering in Ava's ear as they walk towards the kitchen/dining room part of the ship 

"Ahhh blondie and man pants, we can finally eat. C'mon haircut pass the beans." Mick points at Ava and Sara as they make their entrance into the dining table 

\---

4 AM 

Currently, the two are sleeping facing one another. Ava being the light sleeper that she is, she's aware that Sara's unconscious tends to talk. 

"Noooo!" tonight is a totally different experience as Sara shouts jolting up. Ava is woken up in shambles unaware of what she's wakes up to she turn to the screaming Sara. But something was different about this, Sara's eyes are wide open she's sobbing, sweating and struggling to breathe. Ava tries to reach out and comfort her but Sara pushes her hands off of her, and starts to defensively hit Ava. 

"Nooo! Nooo! Let go of me! Laurel please! Come back! Laurel!!!! Nooo! Let me go! Daddy!! Daddy nooo!" Sara continues to scream, Ava moves away from Sara trying not to get hit again. Ava begins to panic, she doesn't know what to do. She gets up from the bed. 

"Gideon!" Ava hails as Sara continues to sob and wail 

_"Yes, Director Sharpe?"_

"What is happening?" Ava practically begs watching helplessly as her love is suffering

_"Captain Lance is currently suffering from a night terror"_

"Night terror?—"

"Stop! Noo! I'm so sorry, please don't! Noo!" Sara sobs once again running her hands aggressively through her hair, then to pushing and pushing and pulling the sheets 

_"Night terrors are nocturnal episodes that cause great fear while sleeping. The person may flail their limbs, scream and shout."_

"Okay what do I do? What do I do?" Ava panics 

_"It's best to let her ride it out, seeing that waking her up will only add to her panicked state. By the time she's woken up she won't even remember this_ _occurring. The Captains terrors often last about a minute. They aren't as frequent as they were last year."_

"Help! Somebody help me! I won't!"

"Gideon! Are you sure I can't do anything?" Ava worries feeling helpless

 _"I'm sorry Director Sharpe, but there isn't much to be done."_ Ava sighs and watches as Sara sobs for another 10 seconds before she stops and calmly lays back down. Ava walks over to Sara and tucks her in. Ava knows she won't be able to fall asleep now and heads for the gym on the ship. She does her best thinking while running or hitting something 

"Gideon? How long has Sara been suffering from night terrors?" Ava wonders as she sprints on the treadmill 

_"According to her file, it only started_ _occurring after being resurrected. From then on I've been ordered by Rip and then by Captain Lance to keep a log of this reoccurrence. As I mentioned before the Captain hasn't suffered as much from an episode since last year, at the same time of your presence in her life."_ Ava can't help but smile at that information but still it hurts her to see Sara like that. 

"Gideon—on an average how much sleep does Sara get before I came into the picture?" 

_"Without interruption 5, but if the team has taken on some extensive physical damage and trauma it prolongs to 10 hours"_

"When was the last time she had a night terror"

_"Last week after the crucible mission"_

“Oh, okay. Thanks Gideon,” that’s when their conversation dies down. Ava can’t help but feel good as well as helpless. If they stopped occurring at the time of her presence, what’s bringing them back. After an hour of running Ava moves onto boxing.

It’s no lie that’s she’s frustrated, she’s always hated the feeling of being helpless. She’s worked so hard to become such a powerhouse that’s she’s forgotten about the feeling of helplessness. Having to hear Sara scream in such agony for her dead relatives breaks Avas heart. As Ava starts think about those that have pained Sara her grunts and rhythm fasten. 

“Hey—“ Ava’s thoughts are interrupted by Sara’s soft greeting. Ava turns around to find Sara in a large t-shirt leaning up against the wall with her arms crossed

“Hi—what’s up?” Ava tries to fake a smile but Sara crinkles her face in curiosity

“Well, I woke up to snuggle with my girlfriend and she wasn’t there. What’s up with you?” Sara smirks moving towards Ava.

“Uh—something woke me up and I couldn’t really go back to sleep” Ava responds starting to unwrap her hand wraps

“Oh are you okay?” Sara asks pulling her closer trying to kiss her

“Uhm yeah I just have a question.” Ava stops Sara

“Okay sure”

“Tonight you—you had a night terror." Ava waits for Sara's response. She doesn't know what to say or what to do really if anything she's embarrassed because nobody has ever encountered her night terrors before.

"Oh—I'm sorry if that freaked you out. I don't really know how else I can explain this but I suffer from—"

"Nocturnal episodes that cause great fear while sleeping. The person may flail their limbs, scream and shout." Ava finishes earning a head tilt from Sara 

"Gideon and like I said, something woke me up. You started screaming and sobbing, I tried to comfort you but you hit me so I took that as a getaway from me. " Ava sighs pulling Sara into a hug finally being able to comfort her.

"I hit you? Gideon please pull up my log." Sara turns her back to Ava leaning up against her a bit.

 _"Right away Captain."_ A hologram appears in front of them as the incident from 3 hours ago plays

> _"Noooo!" Ava tries to reach out and comfort her but Sara pushes her hands off of her, and starts to defensively hit Ava._
> 
> _"Nooo! Nooo! Let go of me! Laurel please! Come back! Laurel!!!! Nooo! Let me go! Daddy!! Daddy nooo!"_
> 
> _"Gideon!" Ava hails_
> 
> **_"Yes, Director Sharpe?"_ **
> 
> _"What is happening?"_
> 
> **_"Captain Lance is currently suffering from a night terror"_ **
> 
> _"Night terror?—"_
> 
> _"Stop! Noo! I'm so sorry, please don't! Noo!" Sara sobs_
> 
> **_"Night terrors are nocturnal episodes that cause great fear while sleeping. The person may flail their limbs, scream and shout."_ **
> 
> _"Okay what do I do? What do I do?"_
> 
> **_"It's best to let her ride it out, seeing that waking her up will only add to her panicked state. By the time she's woken up she won't even remember this_ _occurring. The Captains terrors often last about a minute. They aren't as frequent as they were last year."_**
> 
> _"Help! Somebody help me! I won't!"_
> 
> _"Gideon! Are you sure I can't do anything?"_
> 
> **_"I'm sorry Director Sharpe, but there isn't much to be done."_ **

"That'll be all Gideon." Sara sighs, she never could bring herself to watch these videos. The other time she watched these logs was the first time Rip advised she keep a log to offer her some closure. Other than that living alone had its perk. Sara is about panic a bit but Ava reacts in the most perfect way wrapping her arms around Sara comforting her. 

"Are you okay?" Ava wonders placing her chin on Sara's shoulder 

"I'm sorry you had to see that." Sara sighs, Ava squeezes her a little more and kisses her cheek

"Sara, you have nothing to be sorry for. Do you want to talk about it?" 

"Thats the thing Ava, I can't remember anything. I don't know what that dream is about. I've asked Gideon to give me summary of what I sob and scream about in all of those logs and its the same thing over and over again."


End file.
